BABY NAMES:
First Baby:
You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

Second Baby:
Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right?  It might as well be you.

Third Baby:
You open a name book, close your eyes and see where your finger falls.  Bimaldo! Perfect.

PRENATAL CLOTHES:
First Baby:
You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms you’re pregnant.

Second Baby:
You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible

Third Baby:
Your maternity clothes “are” your regular clothes

PREGNANCY
First Trimester:
The first three months of pregnancy is when you wonder, “Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?”

Second Trimester
You take back your thoughts of the surrogate mother as everything feels good now and you can’t wait for baby.

Third Trimester
You can’t sleep on your stomach or back and it hurts to sleep on your side and when you do finally fall asleep you have to wake up and pee. “Hmmm that surrogate mother maybe wasn’t a bad idea”

Labor:
No matter what, your husband is going to pay for this. You put a curse on him to be a surrogate mother

PREGNANCY Q & A’s:
Q:  I’m two months pregnant now, when will my baby move?
A:  With any luck right after college.

Q:  What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A:  For men to be the one’s who get pregnant

HUSBAND Q & A’s:
Q:  My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A:  So what’s your question?

Q:  Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A:  Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q:  Labor is just a natural event. It can’t be that bad?
A:  Ever see one of those movies where they morph into a wearwolf?  That’s what it’s like.

Q:  Our baby was born last week.  When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A:  When the work is split truly 50/50.

PREPARING FOR PARENTHOOD:

Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

Learn the names of every character from Barney, Dora, Bob the Builder and Sesame Street.  When you find yourself at work singing “I love you, you love me” at work you finally qualify as a parent.

Can you stand the mess children make? 
To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.  Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.  Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls.  Cover the stains with crayons.  How does that look, can you stand it?

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: 
First  - buy an octopus and string bag. 
Second  - attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
Third – Make sure the arms don’t hang out.
Fourth – Time allowed for this…all morning

BABY CLOTHES:
First Baby:
You prewash your newborn’s clothes, colour coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.

Second Baby:
You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

Third Baby:
Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

DEFINITIONS:
Sterilization:
What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Amnesia:
A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Whodunit:
None of the kids in your house

Grandparents:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Show Off:
A child who is more talented than yours.

Dumb waiter:
One who asks if the kids would like to order dessert.

Top Bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superhero Jammies. 

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A MOTHER WHEN:

Your kid throws up at a party and you catch it.

Someone else’s kid throws up at a party and you keep eating

You’ve mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without them touching.

You find yourself cutting your partners sandwiches into cute shapes.

You know better routes than your local taxicabs. 

You can breastfeed, cook, talk on the phone, help with homework, and feed the dog all at the same time.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A FATHER WHEN:
You feel lucky if you had sex more than 3 times a month.

You need to get a king-size bed because you keep falling out of bed every night from your kids sneaking in and wedging you out of your spot.

Hockey night in Canada is now screaming night in Canada.

THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE:

“Can you keep the kids quite, I’m trying to watch TV”

“Do I have to baby-sit?”

“All you had to do was watch the baby, why isn’t the house clean?”